Why do I miss my abuser?

Why do I miss my abuser?

Short Answer: Because you do. And that is ok. You're allowed to miss them. It doesn’t mean you’re a bad person, or deserved the abuse or made everything up.

Slightly Longer Answer: When you first began dating, and at times throughout the relationship, things were good. Great even! There was laughing, romance, and love. The abuse creeped in along with gaslighting, manipulations and other tactics meant to hide the severity of the situation from you.

Because of this, its completely normal that you are feeling loss and grief. The feelings you had don’t automatically snap off. They can also be related to grieving the loss of stability, companionship, or other positive aspects related to the relationship. And importantly, it doesn’t mean you’re a bad person or that you made up the abuse.

Also, leaving an abusive relationship is hard. Statistically its the most dangerous time to leave (1) Likely, you’re suffering CPTSD while dealing with people who are doubting you. Like many other survivors, its likely you are experiencing financial abuse and are unable to afford to live on your own… all these create a situation where choosing to leave is extremely difficult and where staying feels like the easier, and less terrifying, answer.

Good news. You are strong. It will get better. Be kind to yourself, try to give yourself space to process and feel where you are without judgement. Because you are strong and you will get through this.

And remember. Its ok to feel how you feel.

Resources:

https://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/toronto/domestic-violence-victims-1.3885381